I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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