listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
