Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
