My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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