My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
