oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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