Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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