First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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