I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
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We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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