Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
