I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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