Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
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