he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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