i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
