My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
