two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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