You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
