If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
