Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
