He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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