Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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