someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
