Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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