So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
