remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
