You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
