just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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