every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
wow bdsm is so cute
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
