i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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