Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
