What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
