I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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