I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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