he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
