This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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