I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
