I smell stomach acid.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
