Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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