i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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