I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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