i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
