Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
