so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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