the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
