im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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