im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
