I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
