I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize