Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
