Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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