Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
