i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
