I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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