the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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