That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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