She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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