my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
